From Performance to Pleasure: 3 Things People Who Love Their Sex Lives Do Differently
Written by Elizabeth Bird, PhDWe absorb messages about what sex “should” look like, whether we realize it or not. Movies, TV shows, pornography, and even conversations with friends all shape our expectations.
But you know what we don’t talk about very much? The reality of how different sex looks for different people.
And you know what else we rarely talk about? What sex should feel like.
The result? Many people end up performing. We go through the motions of what we think is sexy (or what we think our partner will find sexy) rather than actually enjoying sex ourselves. Performance mode doesn’t lead to embodied, free, mind-blowing experiences.
The good news: there are ways to move away from performance and toward more authentic, pleasurable sex.
(Quick PSA: not all sex needs to be mind-blowing. Some sex is mediocre or disappointing, and that’s normal as long as there’s no coercion, true disconnection, or unwanted pain. But this post is about how to make sex better, not about the Good Enough Sex model, even though that is important, too.)
1. Touch for Your Own Interest
People who enjoy sex the most engage with genuine curiosity. They touch in ways they want to touch.
This doesn’t mean ignoring your partner’s needs or crossing boundaries. It means bringing your own curiosity, interest, and desire into the experience.
It’s a big shift from doing what you think your partner wants, to also paying attention to what you want. If that feels difficult, it may be worth exploring why either on your own, or with the help of a therapist (especially if you’re in a relationship).
2. Bring Your Attention Back to the Moment
Our minds wander during sex just like they do anywhere else. But sexual arousal requires focus (but not in a pressured way).
Your body can’t get aroused while you’re thinking:
“Oh no, I’m not getting aroused.”
“I hope they’re having a good time.”
“What should I get at the store later?”
Those thoughts send your body the signal that now is not the time for arousal. Instead, we need to be present with what’s happening: the sensations, the smells, the visuals, the physical connection.
It takes practice, but gently bringing your attention back to sex when your mind drifts is a key part of fully enjoying the experience.
3. Release the Pressure
I am pro arousal and pro orgasm but anti pressure to have these experiences.
Monitoring yourself (“Am I turned on yet?” “Why can’t I get there?”) or putting pressure on your partner rarely works. You can’t force yourself into arousal any more than you can force yourself to feel sad or happy on command.
Instead, it helps to create the conditions that allow arousal to happen while also giving yourself (and your partner) compassion if it doesn’t.
Pleasure thrives when pressure is absent.
The Bottom Line
Great sex isn’t about performing. It’s about being curious, present, and compassionate with yourself and your partner.
When you shift from performance to pleasure, you create space for sex to feel more embodied, authentic, and, yes, sometimes mind-blowing.
If this post resonated with you, know that you’re not alone. Many people struggle with shifting from performance to pleasure. Talking it through with a supportive professional can help you find your own path toward more authentic intimacy.
