How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex: A Therapists Guide

Written by Elizabeth Bird, PhD

It is so common for couples to feel awkward, unsure, nervous, or even angry when talking about sex. Sexuality can be a particularly sensitive topic, full of societal messages, personal history, relationship hurts, feelings about yourself, and fears about what any difficulties might mean for you or your relationship. It’s loaded.

But it doesn’t have to stay that way. It can be helpful to realize what’s coming up for you or your partner and to talk about it openly. You can use the same communication skills that work for other sensitive conversations (see my post on communication), like expressing your feelings clearly and staying curious about your partner’s perspective. That said, when it comes to sex, there are a few extra tips that can make these conversations go more smoothly.

1. Pick the Right Time and Place

Don’t bring it up in the bedroom or right before or after sex. Talking at a separate time and place helps take off the pressure. When I was in college, we’d host sex education events led by Babeland, a sex-positive toy store in Seattle. They used to suggest that people go to Applebee’s to have conversations about sex. I guess it was the least sexy place they could think of.

The point is: choose a neutral setting. And check in with your partner to make sure it’s a good time. Respect their “not right now” if they’re not ready.

2. Agree on How You’ll Communicate During Sex

Sometimes people feel hurt or corrected if their partner asks for something different in the middle of sex. Talking beforehand about how you’ll communicate during sexual activity can help. That way, if one of you speaks up in the moment, it’s clear that the intention isn’t to criticize, it’s to connect and make things better for both of you.

3. Focus on What You Do Want

It’s often easier to hear what your partner does want instead of only what they don’t. For example, instead of saying, “I don’t really like that,” you could try, “I think I’d like it if you touched me lighter there.”

That said, if something causes unwanted pain, please do speak up directly. You can also add a next step: “Could you go slower?” or “Let’s change positions.” If you feel like your partner won’t listen, or if they pout, guilt you, or make you feel bad for speaking up, that’s a sign something deeper is off and it may be time to address issues around respect and consent. Even if your partner reacts supportively when you speak up, you still might feel guilty and therapy can also help you stop trying to prioritize someone else’s experience at your own expense.

If you are the person receiving the feedback, take the time to pause and notice your own reactions. Can you pause instead of shut down? Can you stay open and refocus your attention back on the sexual moment? Stay curious and remember: you want your partner to communicate with you because you want them to have a good time. Try to make it inviting for them to speak up.

4. Notice the Feelings Beneath the Conversation

Talking about sex can bring up powerful emotions. Sometimes these feelings have less to do with the conversation itself and more to do with fears or beliefs lurking in the background.

“This means I’m failing as a partner.”
“I’m never good enough.”
“They aren’t attracted to me.”
“Our relationship is doomed.”
“I’m broken.”

Or the “shoulds.”

“Sex shouldn’t be this hard.”
“We shouldn’t have to work on sex, it should just click.”
“I should be able to get aroused at the same time as my partner.”
“I should be able to orgasm from this activity.”

Naming these thoughts and feelings, whether it’s sadness, defensiveness, hurt, or fear, can take away some of their power and open the door for more honest connection.

When Conversations Still Don’t Work

Sometimes, even with these skills, couples find themselves arguing or feeling stuck. That may be a sign that a therapist could help. Therapy provides a neutral space to explore patterns, unpack emotions, and build new ways of talking and experiencing intimacy.

CERTS: A Foundation for Healthy Sexuality

Wendy Maltz, author of The Sexual Healing Journey, describes five conditions that make healthy sexuality possible. These are simple but powerful reminders to keep in mind when talking about and engaging in sex. These principles are always important but may be particularly important to examine if conversations aren’t going well in a relationship.

Consent – You both feel free to choose whether or not to engage, and you know you can stop at any time with ZERO consequences (including the other person expressing upset).
Equality – Power is balanced. Neither of you dominates or intimidates the other.
Respect – You treat each other with care and value each other’s needs.
Trust – You feel emotionally and physically safe with your partner, and know your concerns will be taken seriously.
Safety – You feel secure in the setting, timing, and type of sexual activity, and safe from unwanted consequences like injury, STIs, or pregnancy.

These conditions don’t guarantee amazing sex, but they do create a strong foundation where intimacy and pleasure can grow.

The Bottom Line

Talking about sex can feel intimidating, but it doesn’t have to be destructive or overwhelming. By choosing the right time and place, focusing on what you want, naming your emotions, and keeping consent, respect, equality, trust, and safety at the center, you and your partner can turn these conversations into opportunities for growth.

Reach out today if you or you and your partner need help talking about sex.