Let’s Talk About Sexual Fantasy

Written by Elizabeth Bird, PhD

Sexual fantasy is one of those topics that many people experience but few people openly talk about. When it does come up either individually or in relationships it’s often loaded with confusion, curiosity, or even shame.

There are a few important things to understand right from the start that can help ground how we think about fantasies.

1. Fantasy ≠ Desire to Act in Real Life

One of the most common misconceptions is that if someone fantasizes about something, it means they want to do it in real life.

That’s not necessarily true.

Fantasies often serve psychological or emotional functions that don’t translate well into real-world behavior. They can be about:

·       intensity

·       novelty

·       power dynamics

·       curiosity

The mind can explore scenarios safely that a person may have no actual interest in enacting.

Understanding this distinction can reduce a lot of unnecessary shame and misunderstanding.

2. Fantasy and Reality Don’t Always Match

Even when someone does choose to act out a fantasy, it doesn’t always feel the same as it did in their mind.

Why?

Because fantasy allows for:

·       complete control

·       idealized conditions

·       no unexpected variables

·       no emotional or relational complications

Real life, of course, includes all of those things.

So it’s not uncommon for people to find that something that felt exciting in fantasy doesn’t translate the same way in reality. That doesn’t mean anything is wrong it just highlights that fantasy and lived experience operate differently.

3. Fantasizing During Sex Is Very Common

Another thing people are often surprised (and relieved) to learn:

It is extremely common to fantasize about someone else or a different situation during sex.

For some people, this is:

·       neutral

·       helpful for arousal

·       simply part of how their mind works

For others, it may feel more complicated.

Sometimes, fantasizing during sex can reflect:

·       distraction

·       difficulty staying present

·       unmet needs

·       or something that feels off in the relationship

And sometimes…it doesn’t.

This is one of those areas where context matters. The key question isn’t “Is this happening?” but rather:

“What does this mean for me, if anything?”

4. Taboo Fantasies Are Extremely Common

Many people worry that their fantasies are unusual or concerning especially when they involve themes that feel taboo.

In reality, taboo fantasies are incredibly common.

Even fantasies that people assume are rare are often shared by many others. This doesn’t mean everyone talks about them, which is why they can feel isolating.

Again, having a fantasy does not define you or your values. It’s simply one way the mind engages with curiosity, intensity, and imagination.

5. There Is No “One Way” to Fantasize

People also differ widely in how they experience fantasy.

For example:

·       Some people fantasize about specific people or faces

·       Others imagine a more general “other” who may be faceless or undefined

·       Some people switch between both

There are also differences in perspective:

·       imagining from your own point of view

·       imagining yourself from the outside, like an observer

These variations are all within the range of normal.

Like many aspects of sexuality, fantasy is highly individualized.

So…What Do You Do With All of This?

For most people, the goal isn’t to analyze every fantasy or assign meaning to it.

Instead, it can be helpful to:

·       notice patterns without judgment

·       stay curious rather than critical

·       reflect on whether anything feels misaligned or concerning

·       consider how fantasy interacts with your real-life experiences

If something feels distressing, confusing, or connected to a larger issue (individually or in a relationship), that can be worth exploring more intentionally sometimes with the support of a therapist.

A Helpful Resource

If you’re interested in learning more, a well-known and accessible book on this topic is
Tell Me What You Want by Justin Lehmiller.

It explores the science of sexual fantasy and highlights just how common and varied fantasies really are.

Bottom Line

Sexual fantasies are a normal and common part of human sexuality.

They don’t necessarily reflect what you want in real life, they don’t always translate into real-world experiences, and they vary widely from person to person.

The most important thing is not whether you have fantasies but how you relate to them.

Approaching them with curiosity instead of judgment can reduce shame, increase understanding, and help you better understand your own sexual experience.

Reach out for a free 20 minute consult to see if sex therapy (as an individual or a couple) is a good fit for you.