What Should I Do When Sex Is Disappointing? You Don’t Need To Feel Frustrated and Disconnected

Written by Elizabeth Bird, PhD

Sometimes sex isn’t great. Sometimes it isn’t even good. Sometimes it’s disappointing.

In this post, I’m talking about disappointing sex within a relatively healthy sexual relationship. If sex feels unsafe, scary, or leaves you feeling used or disrespected, that’s different and those experiences deserve care and specialized support.

Here, we’re talking about the kind of sex that’s just “meh.” Maybe it’s hard to get aroused, maybe it feels awkward, or maybe you tried something new that didn’t land. The first thing I want you to know is that this is completely normal.

No one has incredible, movie-quality sex 100% of the time. This idea comes from the Good Enough Sex Model, which emphasizes connection, flexibility, and mutual pleasure over perfection or performance. The model suggests that satisfying sexual relationships are built on realistic expectations, communication, and shared comfort not on every encounter being a 10 out of 10. Ironically, it’s the pressure to have “amazing” sex that often gets in the way of good sex.

Let’s unpack a few ideas that might help shift your mindset.

Your frustration can make it worse.
When arousal fades, it’s common to get frustrated and try hard to “get it back.” The problem is that this shifts the focus toward performance and away from pleasure. It’s okay to take a breath, pause, or change direction instead of pushing through.

Arousal comes and goes.
Sexual arousal naturally waxes and wanes during intimacy. When we accept that this is normal, it becomes easier to relax, which often allows arousal to return more naturally.

Check your expectations.
Many people believe sex should be effortless with no communication, no awkwardness, no learning curve. But in reality, good sex often takes curiosity, communication, and sometimes a little trial and error. Disappointment doesn’t mean something is “wrong” with you or your relationship.

Understand your arousal stages.
Think of sexual arousal like a 0–10 scale: what feels good at a 2 might not at a 7 or vice versa. For example, oral sex might feel great when you’re already quite aroused, but not at all when you’re barely there. Learning what feels right for you (and when) can make a big difference.

Don’t avoid intimacy after a disappointing experience.
If you had an off night, try again before too much time passes. Avoidance tends to build pressure and anxiety. The longer you wait, the more “the next time” becomes a test rather than a chance for connection.

Stay connected.
If things don’t go as hoped, resist turning away from your partner. You can pause, laugh, or cuddle instead of spiraling into shame or frustration. The point is to stay emotionally connected, even when the sexual connection doesn’t click that day.

Shift from performance to play.
Sex isn’t a pass/fail test. When you remove the expectation to “perform,” there’s more space for exploration, curiosity, and joy.

If your partner isn’t in the mood, try not to take it personally.
It’s easy to feel rejected, but arousal is complex and situational. If your partner reassures you that their lack of desire or arousal isn’t about you, and you trust them, practice believing them. This is where understanding your own emotional sensitivities can help. If there is something personal that needs to be addressed, have these conversations separate from sex and try to approach the issue as an erotic team or seek therapy support to help you figure it out.

The Bottom Line

Sex is a living, breathing part of a relationship not a test you can pass or fail. Disappointment is inevitable and that’s okay. What matters is how you respond to it.

By focusing on curiosity, connection, and compassion, you can make room for a more authentic and satisfying sexual relationship. If you’re struggling with frustration, pressure, or recurring disappointment, sex therapy can help. Working with a sex therapist in Seattle can support you in understanding your patterns, shifting expectations, and reconnecting to pleasure and intimacy.