Mindfulness and Sex: Be Here, Now
Written by Elizabeth Bird, PhDMaybe you’ve heard of mindfulness. It has been popularized in Western mental health and pop culture but mindfulness has deep roots in ancient spiritual traditions around the world and has been practiced for thousands of years. In the U.S., mindfulness is often described as being synonymous with “relaxation.” But that’s not quite right.
Mindfulness isn’t about trying to feel a certain way or changing your experience. It’s about being aware of the present moment without judgment. It’s like turning the lights on in a dark room.
Turning On the Lights (metaphorically)
Imagine walking through a dark room. You stumble over the couch, bump into a table, and knock over a lamp. Now imagine turning on the lights. You notice where the furniture is and move through the room with awareness and ease.
In sex, mindfulness works the same way. By noticing your internal experience (your body sensations, thoughts, and emotions) you gain the power to act from awareness and choice rather than automatically.
You might decide to “move the couch.” For example, stop a sexual activity, ask for stimulation that feels different, or communicate a boundary, but you can’t make that choice unless you first notice what you are experiencing.
Being Mindful of Touch and Sensations
Mindfulness is about noticing sensations without pressure for them to feel a certain way.
Notice temperature, texture, and pressure.
Pay attention when your mind wanders, and gently bring it back.
Lean into curiosity about your own body.
Touch for your own interest, not just to please a partner.
You can also practice mindful self-touch. Remember that the goal is not to feel arousal. Simply notice texture, temperature, sensations with kindness and curiosity.
Sensate Focus: Structured Mindful Touch
A therapeutic process called Sensate Focus can guide mindful touch for individuals or couples. The exercises typically start with the least anxiety-provoking activities, like touching yourself or a partner with clothes on and avoiding erogenous zones.
Working with a therapist can make this process feel safer and more supportive, helping:
Reduce sexual anxiety
Increase awareness of sensations
Remove pressure to perform
Sensate Focus is about noticing. I wouldn’t even say that the goals are connection or pleasure. You might see descriptions of Sensate Focus that include those words but I’m a firm believer in removing all pressure to have a specific experience. If you notice yourself getting caught up in hoping for more pleasure, connection, relaxation, Sensate Focus actually asks you to notice those things as distractions and to refocus your attention back to noticing sensations (for now).
Mindfulness Practices You Can Try
Even general mindfulness practices can support mindful sexual awareness. Start small, even a few minutes per day, noticing your breath, body sensations, or thoughts. Over time, you can practice this awareness during sexual experiences, too.
Bottom Line
Mindfulness is a tool that helps you be present in your sexual experiences, notice what feels good (or doesn’t), and act from choice rather than habit.
Whether alone or with a partner, mindful touch combined with curiosity, patience, and self-compassion can eventually enhance connection, decrease anxiety, and make sex feel more authentic and pleasurable. But, paradoxically, you have to let go of those goals first.
If you’re in a relationship, sometimes one partner is on board with making this shift but the other partner isn’t so sure yet. Or both are interested but aren’t sure how to actually do it. A therapist can be an objective third party to help you approach touch in a new light.
