Sexual Flexibility: Staying Connected When Life Changes Your Sex Life
Written by Elizabeth Bird, PhDLet’s try a hypothetical scenario (or maybe you’ve lived it).
A woman experiences vaginal tearing during childbirth and has lingering pain. She and her male partner usually engage in penile/vaginal intercourse, but they can’t do that right now.
She thinks:
“I don’t want my chest touched, which I usually love, and intercourse hurts, so let’s just wait until I’m healed.”
He thinks:
“Intercourse is my favorite thing to do. Nothing else feels as good. Let’s just wait to do anything until you’re healed.”
Touch gets put on the back burner. Neither of them feels particularly connected or desired. A year passes, sleep is scarce, a baby is crying, and they realize they feel like sexual strangers to each other.
Parenthood Doesn’t Have to Mean Disconnection
The early years of parenting are rarely the most sexually free or frequent. But they also don’t have to be a time of disconnection.
Instead, imagine if both partners thought:
“That’s okay that we can’t do what we usually do. Let’s find other ways to be together through touch that feel good to both of us.”
There are many types of touch - affectionate, sensual, playful, erotic. Even if this couple isn’t having their 10/10 sexual experience, flexibility can help them stay connected and create a new normal.
Why Life Changes Can Lead to More Authentic Sex
Sexuality after children, with aging, or during illness can actually be more genuine and fulfilling than the automatic sex of our youth.
Why? When younger, people sometimes “get away with” doing things they don’t love to please their partner. But with kids or chronic pain, pushing past discomfort becomes aversive.
At this fork in the road, couples can choose to:
Disengage from sexual activity and connection
Shift, learn, and play. Exploring flexibility, authenticity, and teamwork
Sex is a team sport that is learned and practiced. Flexibility is key at any age.
Types of Touch to Stay Connected
Flexibility comes in many forms: different types of touch, sexual activities, timing, taking turns, and even using toys.
Here are some categories to explore:
Affectionate – Hugging, kissing, sitting close together
Sensual – Massage, gentle caresses, prolonged kissing
Playful – Sex games, showering together, flirting, dancing, trysts (a-la Dr. Laurie Mintz)
Erotic – Chest, buttocks, or genital touch (clothed or unclothed), penetrative activities
(Note: A “tryst” in this case is when a kiss or a hug starts to get a little steamy and you feel fancy in your pants but you know you can’t do anything because your kids are in the next room waiting for you to join them at the table or because you’re at your friends’ house and they’re about to come back with your drinks. This can allow a certain type of letting go and leaning into sensuality because it feels safe.)
These categories aren’t mutually exclusive. Something can be both affectionate and sensual, or playful and erotic.
Ask yourself and your partner:
Which types of touch are you most familiar with?
Which are most comfortable or uncomfortable?
How might you lean more on these other forms of touch when flexibility is needed?
What else can you change to stay connected and rewrite your sexual scripts when life throws you a curveball?
Bottom Line
Life changes including children, chronic pain, illness, and aging don’t have to mean sexual disconnection. Couples who practice flexibility, explore different types of touch, and approach intimacy as a team can maintain connection, desire, and even rediscover deeper pleasure.
If this post resonated with you, know that you’re not alone. Many couples face unexpected changes to their sexual lives. Talking it through with a supportive professional can help you find your own path toward staying connected and intimate, even when life throws a curveball.
