Why A Great Relationship Doesn’t Always Mean A Great Sex Life…and how to fix that
Written by Elizabeth Bird, PhDIt’s a common misconception: if a couple loves each other, is attracted to each other, and enjoys many aspects of their relationship, their sex life will naturally follow suit.
The truth is: relationship satisfaction and sexual satisfaction aren’t automatically linked. You can deeply love your partner, share countless joys together, and still feel like your sexual connection isn’t where you want it to be. And that’s okay.
The Dual Control Model: A Brief Note
Sexual arousal is shaped by a complex interplay of factors, including excitatory and inhibitory processes, known as the dual control model. In simple terms, we all have things that turn us on (“accelerators”) and things that turn us off (“brakes”) sexually. Understanding your own “brakes” and “accelerators” is an important step toward a more fulfilling sex life. (We’ll dive deeper into this model in a future post.)
Eroticizing Your Partner: Easier Said Than Done
One challenge is that when we engage in sex, we need to eroticize (even objectify! and I mean that in the most respectful way possible) the person we love. We need to see them not just as a partner, friend, or parent, but as a sexual being.
This can be difficult to do for many reasons:
Familiarity breeds comfort (and sometimes distraction). You may love your partner, but just minutes ago you saw them pick their nose. Or maybe they’re wearing that old t-shirt, you know, the one with the curry stain. Maybe earlier they were cooking in the kitchen wearing those onion goggles (who? me?). Feeling warm and cozy is wonderful, but it’s not the same as feeling greedy or erotic.
Cultural or personal messages about pleasure. Many people are taught that enjoying their own sexual pleasure is selfish, dirty, or wrong. Letting yourself experience desire fully can feel unfamiliar or even uncomfortable.
Over-prioritizing respect. Wanting to be “perfectly respectful” can sometimes get in the way of letting go, exploring, and feeling erotic with someone you love. Don’t take this the wrong way, though. Respect and ongoing consent are the most important corner stones of embodied sexuality - we need to feel safe to feel free (listen to Emily Nagoski’s “Consent and Enthusiastic Maybe”). But sometimes we overly focus on respecting others when its actually time to focus on what feels good in our body.
Good Relationships + Struggling Sex Lives = Normal
It’s important to validate that: not having the sex life you want doesn’t mean something is broken. Strong relationships can coexist with sexual challenges. You are not “faulty” if your desire, arousal, or sexual connection doesn’t match the love you feel for your partner.
Sometimes, the solution isn’t just better communication. Sometimes it’s connecting to your own physical sensations, desires, and curiosity.
Where to Start
Every person’s sexual experience is a unique biopsychosocial puzzle influenced by biology, psychology, and social/cultural context. The “prescription” for enhancing sexual connection depends on the individual and the couple.
One place to start is with your brakes, those things that inhibit sexual arousal and desire (part of the dual control model). Become aware of what gets in the way of your pleasure and erotic connection. Do any of the reasons listed above ring a bell (familiarity, cultural messaging, worrying about your partner’s experience)? Is there anything that you can do (or better yet that you and your partner can do as a team) to help remove those factors from your brakes? Once your brakes aren’t being pressed as much, your sexual “car” can go! Vroom vroom, baby.
Bottom Line
Loving your partner and having a satisfying relationship doesn’t automatically create a satisfying sex life. Challenges in desire, erotic connection, and sexual expression are normal even if you like your partner a lot.
By validating your experiences, exploring your own sensations, and noticing your “brakes” and “accelerators,” you can start building a sexual connection that feels authentic, erotic, and uniquely yours.
If you think you might need help doing this, read more about Dr. Bird’s training and approach by clicking the button below.
