Lost Your Sex Drive? Spoiler: You Don’t Actually Have One
Written by Elizabeth Bird, PhDOne of the most common reasons people come in for sex therapy is because they don’t feel as much sexual desire as they used to, or partners notice they’re experiencing desire differently from each other. But while so many people walk in worried about desire, I rarely see “desire” itself as the main issue.
One main issue is related to the sex itself. Emily Nagoski, psychologist and author of Come As You Are (one of my all-time favorite sexual health books), has this great line: “When people come in asking about desire, inquire about pleasure.” If sex isn’t that great, why on earth would you want it? I’m not just talking about skills here (though sure, that can play a role). If someone isn’t feeling much arousal, or they’re stuck in their head feeling awkward during sex, then of course their desire is going to be low. Why. Would. They. Want. It.
And for the record, a lot of what I share here about desire comes from Nagoski’s work, along with writings and mentorship by Dr. Barry McCarthy, and countless others who’ve studied this for decades. But I’m also drawing from years of sitting across from real humans in therapy, trying to make sense of why they (or their partner) “just aren’t in the mood.”
Sex is Not a Drive
We love the phrase “sex drive,” but here’s the deal: sex isn’t actually a biological drive like hunger or sleep. You won’t die without it. If you think desire should just bubble up inside you automatically, then it’s easy to assume something’s broken if it doesn’t. But you’re not broken. There are so many good reasons someone might not want sex.
Your partner tries initiating right as you’re falling asleep? Not your jam.
You’ve had kids climbing on you all day? Yep, I get it.
Sharp hip pain? Ouch.
Had a fight an hour ago? Absolutely not.
None of these mean something’s wrong with you. It just means you’re a human being with a nervous system, responsibilities, and a body that sometimes hurts.
Desire Is a Motivation System
So what is sexual desire, really? It’s not a drive, it’s a motivation system. To desire sex means to want it, to look forward to it, to be motivated to seek it out. That requires a few things:
Liking the thing (sex that actually feels pleasurable and not stressful).
Having positive associations with it (good memories, fun fantasies, enjoyable experiences).
Believing that if you engage in it now, it will be fun and worth it (or there’s a chance).
If even one of those isn’t lining up, desire makes a quick exit.
Spontaneous vs. Responsive Desire
When people picture “sexual desire,” they’re often thinking about what we call spontaneous desire or feeling “horny”. This kind of desire tends to be more biologically driven, and it’s often stronger earlier in relationships. Over time (or with stress, kids, aging, etc.), spontaneous desire naturally fades or becomes less frequent.
But there’s also responsive desire. This is when you don’t feel actively “in the mood,” but you’re open to the idea, and once things get going, arousal kicks in and desire follows. Responsive desire is not “duty sex” (sex you don’t want but you’re doing to please the other person). It’s about feeling willing and safe enough to give it a try and then realizing, hey, this actually feels pretty good.
And let’s be real: even spontaneous desire wasn’t that spontaneous in the beginning. Back when you first started dating, you showered, picked out cute underwear, shaved (or didn’t) strategically, thought about your partner all day… You were stoking the flame. That’s effort, not magic.
There’s No Such Thing as “Low” Desire
There’s no official cutoff where desire suddenly becomes “low.” There is also no particular amount of desire that is “too high.” Everyone’s level of interest is unique, and what matters is whether it feels satisfying to you (and/or your relationship). The distress comes not from desire itself, but from mismatches and unmet needs. It can also be really hard to be the person with higher sexual desire. I’ll write more about that in a future post.
However, even if the issue is a difference between partners, the answer is not for the partner with lower relative desire to increase their desire to the level of the other person. Instead, “the desire issue” should be addressed as a team effort. Dr. Barry McCarthy has a great chapter on this in Rekindling Desire, which, I will warn you, is heteronormative, but still helpful.
Okay, But I Still Want to Increase My Desire
Knowing that “sexual desire is not a drive” is validating, but it doesn’t automatically solve the problem. What does help is asking: What are the understandable reasons I’m not in the mood?
Does the sex itself need to improve?
Do you need to switch up the timing (maybe not right before bed)?
Do you need to stop waiting around for spontaneous desire to magically appear?
Do you need to treat that nagging hip pain? Find a way to work with it?
Do you and your partner need to work on conflict outside the bedroom?
Do you need to consider hormonal changes or treatment?
Desire is never just about sex. It’s about the whole person and the whole context. You are not broken. But you might need to rethink the story you’ve been told about how desire is “supposed” to work.
Bottom line: Desire doesn’t appear out of nowhere, and it doesn’t have to. When we start looking at pleasure, context, and motivation instead of “broken drives,” we open the door to sex that actually feels good. As Dr. Emily Nagoski likes to say, that’s the kind of sex worth wanting.
Learning about sexual desire is an important place to start, but sometimes you need a therapist to help you (or you and your partner) figure out how all of this information applies to you and how to move forward. Read about Dr. Bird’s training and approach by clicking on the button below or contact us for a free 20 minute consultation.
